Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
