He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
