ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
