How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
