Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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