I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
