Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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