I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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