Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
