did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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