I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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