Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
