you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
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I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
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I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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