You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
