cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
