Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
