i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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