UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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