can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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