Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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