things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.