dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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