I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
