he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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