You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
