Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
