We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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