I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
