i always forget guys have bellybuttons
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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