I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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