No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
