I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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