I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
