he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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