i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
