you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
