im about as happy as oj after his trial
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
