I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
