When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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