This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
