Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
