You just made me feel so damn special
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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