stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
