If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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