I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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