i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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