I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
