I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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