I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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