I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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