my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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