saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so let's talk penis.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
