he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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