so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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