just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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