Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
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