The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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