Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
