he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
