this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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