I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
