im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
