i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
