somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
